Final Question 13

Saint Augustine walks into a bar and notices three gentlemen sitting on the barstools. There sat Plato, then Nietzsche, and next to him sat Aristotle. Augustine walked behind the three and listened to them for a while.
Plato: “It’s in your soul, man.”

Nietzsche: “Guys, guys, guys. There is no ultimate truth. It just doesn’t exist.”

Aristotle, pointing to his napkin: “But take a look at my Forms. They clearly lay out truth.”

Plato then says: “Forms do not exist in the physical world. Truth can be conjured in the mind, but not expressed in the physical world in the shape of the Form.”

Nietzsche interrupts and says: “I don’t know why you guys are arguing with me because, as I stated earlier there is no such thing as truth.”

Plato leans over Nietzsche and says to Aristotle: “Dude, he’s just never seen the fire” (fire = enlightenment/truth page 52-56).

Aristotle laughs and then says to Nietzsche: “Dude, you know the truth, its just that you don’t know that you know.”

At this moment, Augustine has had enough. He leans over Nietzsche’s shoulder and brings his head into the argument. He says, “Dude, Nietzsche, you’re so wrong.” He then looks at Plato then Aristotle and says: “you guys have the right idea, but are misguided. The real truth lies in God. You must look to Him, and there you will discover truth. But beware of Evil, because it lurks behind every corner.”

Nietzsche shakes his head and says: “I can’t believe you’re bringing God into this. Don’t you know that GOD IS DEAD!”

Augustine removes his head from the conversation and takes a few steps back. He is speechless.

Nietzsche has had enough and says: “Whatever! There are no original texts! What am I even doing talking to you incorrectly interpreted buffoons?!”

At this very moment, Plato, Aristotle, and Augustine all vanish in three clouds of smoke. Naturally freaked out, Nietzsche spins around on his barstool to find Hume and Kant staring at him with their mouths gapping open.

Nietzsche, eager to explain himself, walks over to their table and sits down. He begins: “He guys, look...

But he’s cut off when both Kant and Hume yell: “Shut up!”

Kant begins: “Look, we were trying to have a discussion until your noise interrupted us. What were you screaming over there?”

Nietzsche replies: “We were discussing truth and then some asshole came in with God this and God that.”
Kant and Hume laugh and say: “We were talking about that very same issue. So what’s your stand?”

Nietzsche rolls his eyes and says: “Well I think that there is no absolute truth, no God, no anything.”

Hume slaps his hand on the table in triumph. He looks at Nietzsche and says: “that’s the conclusion I keep coming to too. You see I have this system of question set up that are able to determine what’s real and what’s not.”

Kant cuts him off and says to Nietzsche: “Ya, but I’ve already proved those wrong.”

Hume frowns and turns to Kant and says: “how so?”

At this moment, their waiter came up to the table and began to pick up the empty glasses. The young, tan, and handsome waiter then asked if there was anything he could get for the gentlemen. Nietzsche shook his head but Kant suggested another round. The waiter nodded and went to retrieve their order. Just then, the manager of the bar walked past their table and Hume grabbed his sleeve gently to get his attention.

Manager: “Is there anything I can help you with, sir? Any problems?”

Hume replied: “No sir, I just wanted to complement you on your staff. Your waiter was extremely courteous and polite.”

The manager nodded and said: “Ya, that David Lane’s a great guy. He enjoys working here because he believes he can gain something from gentlemen like yourselves talking about life, love, truth, and philosophy.”

Hume whispered into the manager’s ear: “We’ll be sure to speak up then.”

After the manager walks away, Hume turns back to Kant and says: “As you were saying”

Kant said: “well I was able to take your two questions which you’ve based this system upon and fixed a flaw. With this correction I’ve obtained my own question, 'is it a synthetic a priori truth?' I’ve been able to use this question to prove that truth, and even God exist”

Hume’s eyes were lit up, and his face became red: “You cant do that. There’s no such thing as a synthetic a priori truth”

Kant then said: “Ah, but there is. It’s more of a meaningful statement about reality whose truth is known independently of observation”

Hume was now speechless.

The beers arrived, and Nietzsche downed his instantly. He said, hoping it would work: “You know guys, Whatever! There are no original texts! What am I even doing talking to you incorrectly interpreted buffoons?!”

At that very moment, Kant and Hume disappear in two clouds of smoke. Nietzsche grabs their beers and drinks them. “Fuck, I’m going insane.”